Music #4.69

I decided to stick with the number four because that’s how many testicles I have divided by two. Sixty-nine isn’t great, mostly because of all the bum involved and also the chance of contracting hepatitis. Or what if she’s like “o gawd im cumming nao” and then shits into your eyeball. No thanks. I’d be fine with 19 though.

———————————————————

22. In This Moment – Black Widow

I started listening to Miss FluffyFlops and ITM about 30 months ago when I began hallucinating daily and needed something to drown everything out (I also figured a reversion to a teenage ragecore mentality would fix my problems–it didn’t). I kept listening to them because Blood is a great album and their style is comfortably between sk9er-park condom drivel and female-fronted metal (my favorite!). Also because I’m insane and I don’t have to explain my actions to anyone.

Black Widow is the reason I’ve been saving my spaff up for the last six months, and by god, my balls have thanked me this day. Most In This Moment shitfists justifiably lost their Billie Joe Armstrong-addled minds when Blood was released, primarily because it represented a niche LA metalcore group going “mainstream,” with sophisticated production and slick songwriting. Then they went on huge tours to support that “cesspool,” which made them a big name in rock (nevermind that “rock” has become a ubiquitous entity “the man” uses to blanketize anything with a riff). I’m sure it has nothing to do with her Saturn-sized shimmies.

Well fuck those skateboarding fuckfaces. Blood is glorious. It’s the perfect blend of thrash and heavy metal (what we call “alt rock” these days, thanks to Jared Leto and his performance in Alexander). And besides, metalcore is the single worst thing to happen to music since Elvis’ pelvis fell off and danced back to the producers at CBS and gave them brain hemorrhages. It’s literally (and I mean in the definitive ‘literal,’ not like “durr I LITERALLY just had the best shit ever”) the worst genre. It’s so bad I would actually kill myself in order to vanquish it from this gay earth.

So Black Widow comes along and the metalcore assjabbers on the internet (the only place in the universe where they are accepted) start cutting themselves again. Good. I’ve listened to this new album more than 30 times 41 times already, and I’m convinced it’s better than Blood. Well……equally as good…or, slightly less good on a scale of “this is as good, but incrementally lower than that.” But still, that’s saying quite a lot. The songs here are just too…..produced. They still have that mix of screamo and rock and a bit of metal, but they are–admittedly–just a bit too mainstream. The lot plays like they were written for mass-market airtime. Not necessarily a bad thing, and I commend ITM for upping their style in order to be successful, but if it comes at the price of alienating your original audience, it’s a dirty move.

In any case, the first single “Sick Like Me” is quite the track. My last.fm page tells me I’ve listened to it 96 times, which seems about right for how much I enjoy it. The lyrics and pacing are dripping with substance, and the entire composition seduces rather completely. It showcases Brink’s vocals while not cramming its cock down your throat and simultaneously blasting your ears clear into the next continent. It’s a triumph, and I would say it’s even a little better than “Blood,” which last.fm informs me has been played 190 times.

“Big Bad Wolf” is arguably the most alluring track, as evidenced by user statistics. It’s part Marilyn Manson and part audio porn. It’s bomby and angry while at the same time relaxing, which is a powerful combination to produce. Addictive crap.

As a whole, Black Widow is a spectacular piece of work and it more than lives up to my personal hype. I’ve only touched myself eight times while listening to it, but give it some time. I also plan on getting a shotgun mic and squeezing it between my hairy buns so I can literally get off by it.

Conclusion: Exactly what I wanted, even though it’s become too produced. 4.0/5.0

———————————————————

23. Amaranthe – MASSIVE ADDICTIVE

Baiting naysayers naysaying on the internet is a hobby I hold very dear. The metal audience hates Amaranthe because they’re too poppy, and the pop crowd hates them because they’re too metally. Both audiences have their hamfists too far up their butts to realize when something actually original comes along. Sure, their lyrics are empty lines with pompous bullshit that makes no sense whatsoever (even while sober!), but the production is mindbogglingly clean. The music flows into your ears just like a few jets of pecker snot; it’s easy to listen to while also being energizing. It’s motivational aural happy dust.

I can’t stress how flawless Elize Ryd’s voice is. At first hear I’d chalk it up to overly-ambitious label execs milking her [vocal] tit paste for dollars, but when you listen to her guest vocals on other albums it becomes clear that she’s pure talent.

“Digital World” is unholy mooncandy for your ears. It’s so smooth it feels like metaphysical soul drainage into your brain goo. This one of Amaranthe’s few tracks wherein the lyrics make a little bit of sense and Henrik’s percussive screams actually add something to the mix and aren’t irritating. The same goes for Jake, although a little bit less so.

Putting out two full-length albums in eighteen months is no simple feat, and I commend the group on continuing to enhance their hooks and choruses. At the same time I have to wonder when they’ll outsource the lyrics to someone who doesn’t know English as a second+ language. I also have to wonder when Elize is going to ditch those other two and do what she’s meant to: headline a big-time metal supergroup. This lady has some lungs on her, and I’m actually shocked she’s still sticking with the nutsac badgers who made her big. I mean I don’t wish the two dudes ill or anything, but they have so little to offer comparably and it’s sad to see Elize held back by mediocrity.

So is MASSIVE ADDICTIVE any good? Well of fucking course it is. It’s great. Style-wise it’s better than The Nexus, as they evolve and perfect what they have. As a complete package it doesn’t flow quite as well when listened to front-to-back, and there are more “hang-on” tracks which aren’t that great, so it spoils a “ZOMGZ 11/10 ALBUM OF THE YEAR” chance. But it’s refined, ecstatic noise and it feels good to listen to. So fuck you.

Conclusion: If it were a woman I might consider doing anal. 5.0/5.0

How I spent my saturday

00:00

Not even home yet. Lol are you joking? Are you like 85 years old? Here is a picture of me at this time:

02:21

Shit I’m way too trashed to drive. Oh well I’m sure I’ll be fine. Here is a picture of me at this time:

11:56

I begin to feel vaguely alive. I can’t be positive since my dreams involved me going on a foot trek in Indonesia but then a volcano happened and everyone melted. Also I was black in my dream, but when I wake up and look in the mirror I am definitely white. I begin to think someone might have slipped me drugs when I wasn’t paying attention. Here is a picture of me at this time:

11:58

I am certain drugs were involved. I finally stop puking and decide that since I’m up I might as well hang out with my morning wood. Here is a picture of me at this time:

14:33

I think I might do some work and I sit at my computer. Instead I decide to make cookies and so I do. Then I eat them while watching roflvids on Youtube. Here is a picture of me at this time:

23:17

I am so tired and it feels like I’ve been repeatedly kneed in my scrotum. I think that is from the drugs that someone gave me. I also become apathetic and decide to go do something else instead of writing anything more. Here is a picture of me at this time:

23:59

I realize that I forgot to click the post button, so I do that and then go back to watching agalmatophilia porn. No picture because I don’t want to share that kind of imagery with you.