‘Stolen’ is about as good as a female-on-female porno scene featuring Blanche Barton and the corpse of Grace Kelly

by Ben

Holy fucking shit, bitch

I honestly don’t even know where to begin with this lake of stale rat piss. Nicolas Cage was definitely among my favorite thespians, but after spending the last couple years pumping out nothing but garbage, I don’t know what else to say. I came into this film expecting something better than Seeking Justice (which approximated rubbing Bengay Ultra Strength on your balls while sticking your dick into a lava lamp) but was instead greeted by a bland and generic action flick with about as many convincing scenes as 2005’s Pirates XXX.

Ever since I was pleasantly surprised by Season of the Witch and Drive Angry (which I proudly own on DVD), Nicolas Cage has deviated his career into F-grade “thrillers” directed by incompetent personnel and featuring as much titillation as a male-to-female transgender taking selfies in the mirror and then posting them to OkCupid.

The “plot” here involves a botched bank heist followed by Nicolas Cage’s daughter being kidnapped by Josh Lucas (whose long hair looks like a pile of Matthew McConaughey’s pubes) and an ensuing ransom demand for 10$ million. There’s some other bullshit involving an FBI agent chasing him around and M.C. Gainey being shot by the po-po and then also Malin Åkerman not being naked, but none of that really matters. What’s featured here is Nicolas Cage running to and fro and extensive shots of him sprinting in long jeans and a jacket. Just what the doctor fucking ordered.

Mother of god

Please, make a comment about my hair. I shampoo and condition it.

Simon West’s direction is terrible. The action sequences are so dull I just about wrapped my dingus in tin foil and put it in the microwave. Somehow Cage’s character is both the best thief in the universe and simultaneously a black belt in muay Thai, but there’s no exposition at all. We as viewers are simply told he’s a modern-day superhero and when he beats the crap out of some FBI agents and then stabs Josh Lucas with a metal pole it’s supposed to make sense. But really what makes sense is that Stolen is less fun than masturbating to Zeena Schreck’s eyebrows.

I’d rather a movie was made about Blowfly Girl than suffer through another of Nicolas Cage’s shittastic 90-minute on-screen diatribes. And also that Malin Åkerman signed on is even worse; I haven’t seen her in something so bad since Catch .44, and that’s a shame since her performance in The Bang Bang Club was something to enjoy. But hey, we can’t all get what we want. In fact, what I want right now is to get my 90 minutes back so I can do something worthwhile, like play Age of Conan: Unchained, find pictures of Carmen Luvana’s ridiculously-fake mammaries, or play freeze tag with an orangutan.

Steer clear of Stolen. There’s a reason it was pulled from theaters after two weeks: it’s really bad. I don’t know how films like this get funded, because even the script is terrible. For fuck’s sake, even Uwe Boll could have done something better with the actors. Whatever. Unless you like being bored, do something else, something like:

  1. Listen to (həd) p.e.’s discography
  2. Watch All About Anna twice
  3. Beat off to every one of Stoya’s 41 films
  4. Dig a hole, fill it with water, then take a mud bath
  5. Eat a passion fruit cake
  6. Ring your aunt and talk about your dreams and aspirations
  7. LOL at this gif
  8. Drink toilet bowl cleaner
  9. Get run over by a cement mixer

Conclusion: Seriously, just don’t. 0.5/5.0