I watched ‘The Bay’ and got hard

by Ben

This is how you make a thriller.

Watching The Bay is something like dripping a bottle of lube over your balls without getting any on your hands. You really want to rub one out, but you’re just waiting for the right time and the right conditions. The more lube you squirt, the harder you get, and it’s only a matter of time until there’s more than just lube squirting over the ballsac.

The Bay is a ‘found footage’ film which features a university student reporter covering an outbreak in a small US coastal town. She has collected as much confiscated footage of the incident as she could, including her own, and narrates it as the premise of the picture. Throughout the day we see the progression of the infection [removed because massive spoilers –jesus fuck why did I give away the movie?! –2016] from some boils and rashes all the way up to giant isopods crawling out of consumed face flesh.


The way the ‘found footage’ is constructed around the narration produces a linear narrative full of tension and shock moments. There are thankfully few ‘jump out of your seat’ instances, since those are generally corny as fuck, but rather the tense moments build naturally as the day progresses. There’s no need to worry about quick edits or any fancy filming techniques – all of the footage is either security cameras or hand-held video cameras. It’s jerky, in-your-face stuff here, and that makes it all the better.

The lack of any A-list actors also helps, since that generally forces cooperation with their catalogue of previous roles (in the vein of Contagion) Everything is fresh, gory, and deliciously serious. There’s no comedic relief here.

Here’s a list of things about this film which made me moist:

  • Short and sweet; only about 80 minutes
  • Ass pants are fun to look at
  • Intelligently-constructed vantage points
  • Excellent progression
  • Ass pants

Here is my face after watching:

So if you’re in the mood for a short thriller, I can’t recommend this one enough. Except to say that if you watch the film while massaging your nethers with lotion, I promise you won’t like it as much.

Conclusion: A clipper thriller. 4.5/5.0