‘The Roommate’ is less fun than sex in the butt

by Ben

I recently found myself in the mood for a good thriller.

I should have chosen a different film.

There a few scenarios in life where getting pegged in the anus by a sphincter pirate would be favorable to a specific activity, but watching The Roommate is most certainly one. Minka Kelly does a poor job in acting like a first-year university student, given that she’s north of 30; Leighton Meester is about as convincing a psycho as my balls are to being elected King of Sweden. In fact, the only redeeming fact of this picture is that it mercifully ends. I mean shit, the denouement was so lackluster I had to shoot the neighbor’s dog just to feel like I was alive.

Even more amusing, whoever penned this god-awful smegma display clearly didn’t think to include a facsimile of entertainment, given that the most fun I had while watching was the time Aly Michalka almost flashed her tas (SPOILER ALERT: she doesn’t). The male lead is less attractive than my grundle on an off-day, and Billy Zane is such a terrible thespian that I almost hung myself with my beard.

This is my face after the credits rolled:

Here, I’ll give a rapid plot progression just to save you the time.

  1. Hot bitches.
  2. Crazy bitches
  3. Ex-boyfriends
  4. Oversexed professors
  5. Murder
  6. The end

If you can’t extrapolate from that run-down, I would advise that you check yourself into a mental institute for the hopelessly retarded. It turns out the crazy bitch is off her medication, which, amusingly, is the same medication I am on right this moment. I can guarantee from first-hand experience that if I forget to take a dose or two, I don’t turn into a loony killer. Here is a photograph of my medication just in case you were questioning my truth-telling ability:

The only reason I didn’t immediately turn this stupid piece of shit off and do something else (here is a list of things I would rather have done than watch The Roommate

  • Masturbate
  • Drugs
  • Climb a mountain
  • Cut myself
  • Buy bread, burn it in the oven, then feed it to a stray skunk
  • Ring a random telephone number and call the person a terrorist
  • Castration)

is that I wanted to know how it ended. Which, in reality, was at least 400% stupider than the rest of the picture. The psycho girl takes her lezzie crush and tries to suffocate her with a plastic bag, Minka Kelly stabs the her in the back with a box cutter, and her BF pulls her from certain doom out the window. Also there’s some gunshooting. The soundtrack is also fairly nice, though about as derivative as me trying to pick up women at a bar while looking like a captain in the FSA.

Whatever.

At least I can warn you not to waste your time, unless for some reason you’re wondering how university in the USA functions. If you’re that desperate, I would suggest you go watch Transformers 2 instead. At least Megan Fox is easier on the eyes*.

*lol

Conclusion: No. 0.0/5.0

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