‘Orphan’ was actually worth my time

by Ben

I didn’t feel like doing any work today, so instead I watched thriller films. I was so utterly disappointed after The Roommate that I found a copy of Orphan and let loose with my motion picture addiction.

Results: excellent.

While thinking of this film, I can’t help but remember how applicable the lyrics to Pythia’s Heartless are:

It’s not your fault you cannot love me
You are not to blame
I never told you I was heartless, I’m heartless
I thought you’d be a stronger master
So I took your sword
You’re not the bringer of disaster
I’m heartless

If I could transmute words to pictures, that’s about as apt a description of Orphan as there will ever be. A 9-year old girl gets adopted, then weird shit starts happening around the family. Behind the scenes, as viewers see, this psychokind is fucking people’s lives up in royal fashion. First she chucks a girl at school off the playground’s slide. Then she kills a nun with a hammer. Then she breaks her own arm, suffocates her adoptive brother, and stabs her adoptive father.

Oops, what I meant was SPOILER WARNING.

[Removed again for literally spoiling the entire plot. Fucking christ. –2016]

There are plenty of mandatory moments of jumpiness, and of course more than a few camera-close-up-on-someone’s-back-then-spin-around-oh-shit scenes, but overall they are spread out. Nothing here was particularly frightening; it’s definitely a thriller of anticipation, the execution of which is actually not bad. The major plot twist was carried out with precision, at more or less the right time.

In terms of acting, Isabelle Fuhrman does a spectacular job with her psychotic role. I was definitely convinced of her delusionary mind, and even after the twist I still find myself satisfied. Everyone else was respectable in their genericism, although I did appreciate an accurate depiction of a marriage with kids (at least, I assume).

I didn’t even mention masturbation once during this entire article. Are you proud of me? I am.

Conclusion: A very decent thriller. 4.0/5.0