Why dicks are funny

by Ben

I am going to recount a conversation. The conversation will also have pictures. I don’t like doing this because it reminds me of my old site and that was a disaster because I forgot to renew the domain registration and all of my “hard work” was erased. But I’m going to do it anyway, because I’m bored and I feel like doing actual work even less than this.

Disclaimer: this conversation is not actually funny and if my mother saw this she would be really upset and then provide lectures about how I should go to church and that she will pray to her invisible space wizard for me. This would devolve into a debate where I inform her that her diabolical plan of making me into a good boy by forcing me to attend religious schools for one billion years failed because I figured out when I went to university that I am capable of learning on my own. Anyway this has nothing to do with anything any more, and I really dislike talking about religion, primarily because

1) Religious people refuse to see logic and have less common sense than that centipede I just smashed with a book (and now I will have to throw that book away, because I will never ever touch it again as long as I live);

2) Non-religious people don’t care about religion and therefore won’t bother to read this. Damn, I probably lost half of the people who don’t read my words anyway. Then again, half of zero is still zero, so I think I’m in the clear. 

Okay I’m done now. Here is my story.

Wait, no I’m not. There is a preface to the story. All this build up is most likely doing nothing for my traffic numbers or my rightfully-inflated ego. That one day I got 1,354 viewers I almost went into cardiac arrest before my friends told me that’s not really a big deal and I should get a real job at the stone quarry or working on a space shuttle launch pad (yeah, that industry certainly skyrocketed).

I was talking on the internet with someone who really isn’t my friend but I talk to him anyway because I am smarter than he is and also better looking. I don’t remember how we got to this point, but it probably was after we shared adult video links for about an hour. PS. I am not referring to the two people who are currently spamming my facebook with k-pop videos and links to Chinese milf pics.

Edited because printing unintended poor grammar makes my head itch.

Edited 2x because the conversation was even stupider than this in real time.

Ugly friend: You talk about dicks a lot.

Me: That’s because dicks are funny.

Ugly friend: I think you might either be in the closet or so far out of the closet that it’s unhealthy.

Me: I don’t even have a closet. Actually this room is supposed to be a closet, but I don’t need a lot of area and if a bed, a book shelf, and a computer fit in here, that’s plenty of space. Added bonus for a zone on the floor large enough in which to have rugburn sex.

Ugly friend: You’re deflecting. I’m pretty sure you’re into dudes.

Me: No, I just think dicks are incredibly amusing and so I talk about them a lot.

Ugly friend: How are dicks funny?

Me: No one draws vags on foreheads because vags aren’t funny. Everyone draws dicks because dicks are funny.

Ugly friend: No, I think that would actually be pretty funny.

Me: No, that would simply be uncouth.

Ugly friend: For someone who is writing a book bitching about gender and sex roles in society you seem to be putting a lot of emphasis on not talking about vags.

Me: No, that’s not what the book is about at all. I’m not even going to try to explain it to you because you are too stupid to understand.

Ugly friend: How are vags not as funny as dicks?

Me: I’m glad you asked…

Me: So yeah, that’s why dicks are funny.

Ugly friend: I think you just used that as an excuse to draw veiny cocks.

Me: That’s not all I drew!

Ugly friend: [Ugly friend is offline.]

Me: Hello?

Ugly friend: [Ugly friend is offline. Your message cannot be delivered.]

Me: This is why no one likes me.

Ugly friend:  [Ugly friend is offline. Your message cannot be delivered.]