Colombiana makes me <3 Zoë Saldana even more

by Ben

My only issues with Colombiana are the film’s insistence on falling back on traditional cinematic morals and Zoë’s refusal to become completely naked. Make no mistake, however; despite repeatedly slamming us [as viewers] over the skull with give-take, ebb-flow, push-pull evil-good ethics and age-old Hollywood badness-must-be-punished themes, Colombiana is a very good picture.

Taking a page from The Punisher, Colombiana nutchops us immediately with a backstory of a family in danger who eventually succumb to their sadistic ways and are promptly murdered.


In fact, come to think about it, Colombiana really doesn’t do anything to evolve the narrative. It’s flat-out genericism from beginning to end, and I’m okay with this. Zoë  is mad, kills people, has a fuckbuddy who she tells nothing to, has additional family who eventually get killed (spoiler!), buttfucks the bad guys, and reconciles with the boytoy. Certainly no praise goes to the esteemed writers here (though their previous works I hold dear to me) for crafting a finely-tuned plot. As far as that goes, it’s facepalm heaven.

Zoë, however, takes the shit-tastic dialogue and narrative and wrangles them into something I care about. Sure, her general physical appearance does nothing to hinder my enjoyment, but I’ve got to hand the woman credit where it’s due: she is a quality thespian. Direction, cinematography, sound: these are all trite when coming from this gaggle of filmmakers and when leveled against Zoë’s on-screen presence.

So yes, Zoë is a sexy actress placed in a generic thriller role, who seizes the best of a cheap  flick and makes it an experience to enjoy. Where I do find significant fault is with Colombiana‘s demanding repetition of the conservative moral code adhered to by puritan Westerners since 1776. Zoë’s character might be in the green in terms of emotional vengeance, but she still kills folks -bad as they might be. Instead of directly whipping the protagonist, the movie takes it out on the family in the form of bloody murder and Zoë’s tear ducts. No matter how justified she is, murder is against Jesus and therefore is a punitive crime (hey shitdicks: punishment is the duty of your invisible god, not of you: how bout that contradiction up your anuses?). And it happens again and again and again and so many times I really want to balltap whoever came up with the idea of ethical purism. It’s so goddamn boring.

Conclusion: I had an erection sixteen times during this film. 4.0/5.0