I started playing Dungeons & Dragons

by Ben

In order to further reduce my rampant sex appeal, I’ve taken up the practice of ROLE-PLAYING GAMES. Well, just one actually; ‘Pathfinder,’ which is basically an upgraded and streamlined 3.5 ruleset. If that makes no sense, don’t worry too much: it means you are still actively seeking the confines of another’s genitals. I figure turning away women at the bars with the following conversation will keep me successfully away from herpes:

Brunette: Great game, eh?
Me: It’s 52-3.
Brunette: I love football!
Me: More like handeggball.
Brunette: Want to have sex in the bathroom?
Me: It’s only the second quarter. Maybe at halftime.
Brunette: So what do you do for fun?
Me: I play Dungeons & Dragons.
Brunette: I just forgot I was supposed to meet my boyfriend here.

Plus, this strategy will hopefully cease my best friend’s fiance trying to get me laid via her hot nurse friends (“If you’re single up on that altar, I’m going to hate you” I believe is an exact quote). There are only so many ways someone like me can stay single, and since, according to 100% of ex-girlfriends I’m not too good at the whole “asshole” thing (lol), I theorized that being as socially unattractive as possible is the best way to go.

So far: moderate success.

It’s actually surprising how many people really don’t care what your hobbies are so long as you know how to stick your revenge-laden cylinder missile into their sensitive bits. Well, when I begin to describe my character in great detail, it works just about as well as farting during reverse cowgirl and/or requesting a blowie while taking a morning-after dump in her too-small toilet.

It usually goes something like this.

Brunette: Nice dick. Inside me, now.
Me: So my character’s name is Liza Lovelane. She’s a rogue!
Brunette: How fascinating. Get the condoms from my drawer.
Me: She’s also lesbian sisters with Lani Lovelane, my friend’s character.
Brunette: I like having threesomes with blondes.
Me: I reverse-pickpocketed a pile of dog shit into our wizard’s pocket.
Brunette: I don’t mind watersports all that much, if it’s the right guy!
Me: I cut off a guy’s head and wore it as a hat.
Brunette: I’ll get the lube.
Me: I stabbed a five-year old in the kidneys because he wouldn’t talk.
Brunette: That’s great. Take off your pants.
Me: He was an orphan and he’s dead. Five years old.
Brunette: That’s just gross! I’m dry now.
Me: In front of a bunch of other orphans.
Brunette: Get out of my house you perv!

That’s usually how it goes. In all reality, that’s how I play my character though. She’s a neutral evil rogue who pleasures herself to being as big an asshole as possible (without slipping into chaotic, because that’s just boring) and pissing off everyone around her. I really did stab a kid in the kidneys in our first quest without even trying an intimidation check; luckily our lawful good cleric and lawful neutral wizard were elsewhere or else I’d have killed them too.

Which is my plan anyway, particularly for the wizard. The girl who’s playing her is more often than not engaged in Starcraft 2 while not her turn and has to ask for recaps because she wasn’t paying attention. She refused to do even five minutes of homework in creating her character (insofar as she didn’t even know level 0 spells are unlimited) and instead of googling anything she makes our DM figure it out.

So yeah, she’s going to get ganked.

I’ve been meta plotting with a tiefling sorceress to lure her into the market alone and push her into a pit with spikes and layers of bovine entrails at the bottom. Why the guts too? Because I really don’t like her in-character, that’s why.

Before you assume me a larger geek than before (which is actually my goal, in the end), I’m playing a female character for her tits. What? My intention going into this campaign is to actively fuck as much of it up as possible, including but not limited to seducing our fighter (a large black man); fondling my twin sister during combat rounds; murdering PCs because I don’t like them; shanking quest-important NPCs; requesting detailed statistics on worthless items, such as potatoes and the  contents of every single sack of produce; and assassinating the town’s governor. Why? Because it’s actual role playing and I refuse to follow a generic min-max character prototype. That’s fucking boring.

Oh, and Liza also worships the demon goddess of assassins, harlots, and sexual deviants.