Skyline, more like Dickline

by Ben

Skyline is a duality. One half is a special effects extravaganza with aliens, dogfights, bazookas, and even nukes. The other half, sadly, is the most cliched, melodramatic log of shit I’ve seen since I was in the loo ten minutes ago.

Neither was pretty.

So given that, I’ll treat my analysis as if it were two separate films. Since I’m more drunk than Demi Lovato is high on coke, I’ll go ahead and start with the “drama” parts. The first and most obvious problem with all actors hired for this project is that, unfortunately, they cannot act. Sure, Turk is funny in “Scrubs” because he relies on humorous facial expressions and witty one-liners. Here, he’s actually forced to stand on his own skills. Too bad he has none.

Additionally, Eric Balfour is so ugly I wanted to gouge my eyes out with a pirouette cookie while masturbating into a cement block. His head looks like he was dropped at birth. …into a compound power miter box saw which was also a metal press and stamping device which also happened to be on fire and coated with deforming acid. Then beaten with a humvee wielded by Optimus Prime. For fuck’s sake, the guy is hideous. Imagine Adrien Brody without the talent or the hair. But uglier.


Scottie Thompson is a total hottie, but she also couldn’t act her way out of a thespian prison.

Okay, so the actors are ugly or stupid or slutty or whatever; no big deal if the narrative is the tits. Oh wait, it isn’t. It’s the amalgamation of every alien invasion genre cliche ever created. OMG, IT STARTS OUT WITH THE INITIAL ACTION, THEN REWINDS IN TIME FIFTEEN HOURS EARLIER!!11!1! FUCK ME THAT’S AMAZING! WOW, ONLY A HANDFUL OF SURVIVORS, THEN THEY GET BORED WITH BEING FUCKING ALIVE AND TURN ON EACH OTHER AND TRY TO MOVE LOCATIONS. OH HOLD THE FUCKING RACE THERE IRON MAN, THE PROTAGONIST’S GIRL IS PREGGERS. HOLY BRICK-SHITTING TITANS FROM NEPTUNE, THAT EMOTIONAL PLOY IS FUCKTACULAR. WOW, AFTER ALL HOPE IS LOST THE AMERICAN MOTHERFUCKING MILITARY LAUNCHES AN ATTACK WITH NUKES. WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE? OH FUCKING RIGHT: EVERY GODDAMN ALIEN INVASION MOVIE. WOW. OSCARS ALL AROUND!!!!!!

Fuck me with a horse dick dildo.

So yeah, when a $10 million movie spends only $500,000 on the live-action sequences and the remaining budget on special effects, it’s fairly obvious where the focus lies.

And by God, the special effects are amazing. I can’t stress this fact, because it’s really astonishing what can be accomplished with some talented folks and $9.5 million. There’s good reason the Brothers Strause have done effects for so many different projects: they are really, really good at it. The nuke sequence alone made me wake up from my drunken drowsiness after a too-long segment of drama and go from flaccid to ejaculation in 12 seconds (thanks Kinsey). It was the second-best nuke scene I’ve ever witnessed behind The Sum of All Fears (no one likes Baltimore anyway).

The aliens are totally unoriginal, kind of a combination of The Matrix‘s drone thingies and the monster from Cloverfield. Oh, and apparently they run off the energies provided by human brains. Gawdam, that’s so original. But they look INCREDIBLE. Skyline is like the Crysis of movies. I can’t describe how great the effects are because I’m still sexually aroused by that whole part of the film; sure, some of that has to do with that I’m impressed by how low a budget this was all achieved under, but it genuinely is that good to look at.

I just wish Skyline fit together better. All the pieces of a big-budget summer blockbuster are here; they simply don’t work. I believe most of my qualms are with the total and complete (double positive?) failure of the narrative and actors, but still it seems like the Strause brothers haven’t quite figured out how to piece together their visions. I vaguely remember similar issues with Aliens vs Predator: Requiem. Sure, it was entertaining, but I never felt immersed.

So I spent five bucks on Skyline. If it had cost the normal ticket price of twelve+ I’d be pissed and probably consider it even more of a faux pas than it already is. Or if I’d had less vodka before and after it (and/or Sour Patch Kids: FUCK these things are great). As it is, if you are a special effects nerd like me you’ll be entertained quite a bit even if the dramatic parts make you want to an hero with piano wire dipped in Darth Vader’s blood. If you are dramatically-inclined, take your ticket money, buy some berr, and rewatch Avatar.

Conclusion: It’s an unforgivable mess which makes me want Battle: Los Angeles even more, but it still looks better than Michelle Monaghan’s weirdly-pointed nipples

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