Operation Endgame is fuckbad

by Ben

Says you: “Oh look! Here’s a film with that one fat, hairy dude from The Hangover and that one dude who’s in Hot Tub Time Machine and is always a hilarious dick! Oh look there’s Maggie Q -she’s pretty hot! And then there’s that old guy who’s always the subdued character with not-so-witty-one-liners-that-only-old-fucks-will-laugh-at-but-is-always-in-comedies! And Odette Yustman, that chick from Cloverfield! She’s really cute. And hey there’s Luther from Mission: Impossible! DAMN THIS LOOKS AWESOME!!!!!111!!1!”

Surprise assholes!

95% of anyone who’s anyone gets killed off in the first 30 minutes. There, I just ruined it for you. Ving Rhames, Maggie Q, the old guy: all dead. Rob Corddry follows shortly, and Zach Galifianakis’ role has even less screen time than Megan Fox in Jonah Hex –kudos to marketing teams on that one. Fuckers. In fact, only two people you’ll ever see in this don’t get pointlessly written off, and both of them are less interesting than the patch of nutsac hair I can’t reach with my razor.

Just kidding, that’s actually pretty interesting since it itches like a little midget who’s constantly tickling my scrotum.

Even the plot of Operation: Endgame makes no sense. I don’t even know what it was about really, and liberal uses of U.S. prezzies Obama and Bush speeches make it even more preposterously ludicrous. And by that I mean retarded. Here’s what I can gather: An op went bad. Some shit went down, a new guy starts at some SUPER CLANDESTINE AGENCY and on his first day more shit goes down. For some unknown reason all the no-name actors start murdering the well-known ones and all we’re left with is a dumbass narrative involving government secrets and random shots of Galifianakis in a SARS suit.

Oh and then Odette Yustman gets a paper cutter thingamajig to the head right at the end of the movie –also for no reason.

So according to Wikipedia this script won some awards or whatever. My real question is with whoever funded this piece of shit and why so many real actors signed on. Unless they got paid a million bucks or in handfuls of golden dildos I really don’t see how it could be beneficial.

It’s boring, it’s pointless, and in 75 minutes only the first 15 are amusing at all. And then only when Corddry is saying “fuck” a lot.

Conclusion: I’ll cut off your skin, dry it in the sun, then use it as a condom when I fuck your mother*

*One of seven funny lines included in the movie