The Lovely Bones should have been called The Lovely Boner and also been porn

by Ben

Imagine if Terry Gilliam and Darren Aronofsky tripped acid while watching a Law and Order marathon. That’s almost exactly what The Lovely Bones film is about, except while Gilliam and Aronofsky are repeat offenders in the “what the fuck is this film about, and why am I watching this in the first place” category, I expected much better from Peter Jackson. For the record, I’m not going to waste much time on this.

For starters, Rachel Weisz’s character is a stone-cold cunt. You just lost a child, your husband is trying to find her murderer, and the extent of your support involves screaming at him to drop it. What a bitch. Why not just kill yourself? That would at least let the man get on with what he’s doing, and it would stop freaking the offspring out. Even more, she suddenly up and splits to work as a migrant farmer and the movie doesn’t even mention that she’s leaving her two remaining kids to deal with shit on their own. Way to go Mum of the Year.

Half of The Lovely Bones takes place in a detached fairydreamland akin to what Peter Pan’s world would be if he suddenly ended up with Aladdin and took his flying carpet into Star Wars, but a Star Wars which had been populated by Guillermo del Toro’s creations. All of that would make about 794% more sense than what actually happens here, since it’s such a disjointed orgy of unrelated images and colours which have no substantial basis in the real-world film that the whole time I was screaming “JESUS H. HITLER, WHAT IN THE NAME OF KESHA IS GOING ON HERE?!”

What’s worse, it’s painfully obvious from the outset that The Lovely Bones is desperately trying to be an “out there” flick; sadly for Peter Jackson and everyone who has wasted time watching this piece of tampon refuse, it’s equally obvious that it fails. Nothing is ever tense, there is never any mystery or interest, and an utter lack of intrigue or suspense (redundancy for redundancy’s sake) murders any relationship to the onscreen action. There is one scene at the very end, where the dead girl’s sister sneaks into the murderer’s house to find evidence, but it’s so cliched that I was laughing the whole time: “hahahaha go kill this dumb twat too! make it a family reunion! hahahahahaa what a slut! hahaha kill her with the floorboards and her own excessively-long fingernails! hahaha” and so on.

So yeah, I hated The Lovely Bones. There isn’t a single redeeming quality besides the end credit roll and the fact that I will never think of it again.

Conclusion: I’d be giving it too much praise if I came up with a witty analogy, so I won’t even do that

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