Salt is limp-dicked

by Ben

Spy and espionage flicks are tied with heist films as my number one genre of media (closely followed by scat porn); as such, I’m a bit confused at myself for having waiting this long to partake in Salt. After all, while I’m never one for buttplay, if Angelina Jolie asked me to put it in her pooper I’d do it with no questions asked. Sexual deviancy aside, I’m the guy who owns two copies of the Bourne Trilogy (one set of regular DVDs, and -naturally- the pseudo lock box Collector’s Edition) and has seen each entry approximately three dozen times. I practically breathe Jason Bourne on a daily basis.

Well the day has come for Salt, and I can’t believe slackjaw Roger Ebert (LOLLL) awarded it four stars. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the hell out of it, but you’d have to be full retard not to see the “twist” coming; even the “double twist” at the end is more obvious than Jolie’s push-up bra in Tomb Raider. WELL TUBA TUESDAY BATMAN, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE MIGHT BE A GOOD GIRL AFTER ALL. LET’S REPAINT THE EIFFEL TOWER PURPLE, LEGALIZE SODOMY, AND PROCLAIM AUGUST 19TH AS ANAL AUGUST THE NINETEENTH. There’s good reason everyone forgot about Salt two weeks post release: it’s not great.

So we’ll do a quick recap of what the film does accomplish. First, it’s got Angelina Jolie as its leading lady, so even while there’s no sensuality of any kind, the protagonist is easy on the eyes. Second, it at least attempts to be sneaky with its twist and then reverse twist; I’ve seen far worse. Third, it escalates its latter moments into an issue of global nuclear war and pandemonium instead of constricting it with close-quarters drama. I love me some epic flair! Fourth, it’s not too long and gets to the point rather quickly.

Sadly, for its faults; Angelina Jolie as the leading lady is also Strike One in my book. She plays the exact same archetype we’ve been privy to in everything from the aforementioned Tomb Raider to Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Wanted. I AM AN EMPOWERED WOMAN. I AM NOT ONLY EQUAL TO MEN, I AM FAR FUCKING SUPERIOR. BOW TO MY VAGINA. I AM MORE THAN CAPABLE; IN FACT, I CAN KNOCK OUT LEGIONS OF HIGHLY-TRAINED SECRET SERVICEMEN WITH JUDO CHOPS AND BALL TAPS. She seems like one of those bitches who will demand gender equality then make you pay for dinner on a date. We get it Angelina: you’re tough. You have a strong jaw line, you’re slender, and you could eye fuck Emperor Palpatine to death. But seriously, we don’t care anymore.

Even worse, I think at some point she and/or the director realises this and thinks “oh shit, let’s add some empathetic elements…um….hrmmm…A HUSBAND!!”  She shows caring love and she even tries to cry at one point (which is more ludicrous than watching Peyton Manning attempt to not be awesome at handeggball), but it comes across as flaccid. Yes: flaccid. And back to my earlier point, the twist and double twist are some of the most slap-you-across-the-face-with-obviousness I’ve ever seen. We all know at this point in cinema that Liev Schreiber will ALWAYS end up being the bad guy; please, for the love of the mother of the aunt of the sister of the father of Jesus, can we stop using him for these roles?

At the end of the day, Salt is still loaded with good action scenes and a political backstory which keeps it interesting. There’s nothing revolutionary, nothing brand-new, and for all intents and purposes no one will remember this film as a blockbuster in five years. But then again, there’s nothing awful about that. As I said, I have seen much worse. Just don’t come in expecting a new Bourne flick, because you’ll be sorely disappointed.

Conclusion: Salt is to film as black pepper is to a pepper medley grinder