Inception is more complicated than putting on a condom while drunk

by Ben

So, you’re the director of one of six films all time to gross fifty bajillion at the box office. What do you do next? The choice is simple, really: stroke your cock.

I don’t say this to be crass, I say it because that’s all I see when I lounge in my super-comfortable stadium-style seat and watch Christopher Nolan’s new picture Inception. According to the infallible internets, Nolan has been working on this concept for the better part of a decade…in my opinion, he should have spent another fifteen or twenty years with this project before putting it into production. It’s as if the director’s philosophy is to keep punching viewers in the face with complexities until there isn’t anything left but the complexity itself; the characters’ motivations are useless, the acting doesn’t matter, and the constantly-shifting time paradoxes are devoid of meaning. There’s nothing on-screen except Nolan’s ego masturbating with our brains and time as lube.

I liked Inception. After all, I still came out of the theater with a B-grade ‘mindfuck’ feeling, like if Fight Club had been about half as good as it really was. When I’m done disparaging Nolan for all the film’s faults I’m still going to tell you to see the movie and that most everyone who has seen or will see it will be filled with satisfaction.

BUT PEPPERJACK AND BACON COATED CHOCOLATE CANDY IN GELATIN, WHY MUST IT BE SO COMPLEX?

From what I can decipher, Nolan’s film and thought process functions by introducing three steps and following them strictly. The first step here is to feel the audience up with a confusing-but-attractive/thought-provoking image or idea, not unlike the above illustration. Yes, at first glance that picture looks as confusing as the Swiss Cheese Riddle when really it’s rather simple as the pieces are dissected. It is quite clearly Billary Clinton with walrus tusks holding a bazooka while standing in front of a Wonder Woman model with large boobs. Like I said, confusing at first but not so bad once it’s analysed and talked through (my exposition here stands in for dialogue).

Nolan’s second step involves slapping the piss out of the audience’s arousal with a confusing pile of complexities so abundant that the fiber which holds them together (characters) falls flat on its face. I could even tell from time to time that the actors’ expressions were “what the shit am I saying?!!?” It’s like the movie didn’t know what it wanted to be other than an intentional mindfuck. Except here, tossing in layer after layer after layer after layer after layer after layer after layer after layer after layer after layer after layer of complexities doesn’t a mindfuck film make. It just makes it complex for no other reason than to be labeled a complex film. I have a distinct feeling that most reviewers gave Inception high scores simply because they couldn’t understand it which -obviously- means it’s awesome.

The last step in Nolan’s Magical Billions Making Process is to gently toss kittens (or in this case, children) into the mix just to have some audience apathy. WELL OF COURSE, NOW THAT THE FILM IS ABOUT CHILDREN IT ALL MAKES SENSE. KIND OF LIKE TAKING COOKIE BATTER, COATING MY NIPPLES WITH IT, HIGH JUMPING INTO A CHEETAH DEN AND BLASTING ‘SPITFIRE’ BY THE PRODIGY ON MY BOOMBOX.

Wait, no, it’s still too complex.

Where true mindfuck movies like Fight Club -or the feeling you had the first time you realized the guy was there the whole time in the first Saw flick- imbue realism, psychology, and subtle clues throughout the unfolding narrative to allow viewers to be detectives, Inception shouts HEY LOOK, NO FACES, A TOP, LEO’S FACE, AND AN OLD MAN. CRAZY SWEDISH ORGIES ON SURFBOARDS IN OCEANS OF MOLASSES, WONDER IF ALL THIS IS IMPORTANT. There is zero subtlety here which really pisses me off and produces a cheap feeling when it’s all over.

All the same, Inception is still worth seeing and about as good as masturbation is to the real thing. I never could shake the feeling that Nolan’s ego was at work behind the scenes, but I had a good time trying to spot any ‘behind the scenes’ subplots (though there weren’t many since anything good or pertinent was painfully obvious). And in a testament to his creative vision, Inception looks incredible; it’s filmed with realistic-yet-dramatic framing with great medium-long takes and good inspiration for the onscreen talent. I can’t say the same for Zimmer’s score, since at its fundamental level it’s a rehashing of The Dark Knight‘s trailer spread over the entire soundtrack.

Inception is aimed at folks with IQs between 100 and 119; people smart enough to realize there is a larger picture, but not those of us intelligent enough to poke holes through that logic and find that the underlying narrative is boring. If you’re around my level, good luck being entertained. I recognize Inception‘s merits but I can’t stop bitching.

Conclusion: Wasted potential ruins the dream film (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOOK AT MY PUN)

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