Prince of Persia is less loyal to its source material than bisexual porn

by Ben

So I decided instead of doing work I would sit around on justin.tv and watch B-movies and low-grade science fiction films. After The Fifth Element (awesome, btdubs), I had a brilliant idea: go to NinjaVideo and see what new stream-on-demand films are available. LO AND BEHOLD, I was smacked in the face with a rather-decent cam of Prince of Persia. I’ve waited well over two years for this, being teased on by set snapshots, screen tests, epic-looking posters in shit movies (Confessions of a Shopaholic – yeah, I saw it, blow me), and one horribly overdone trailer at a time. Which is my version of rationalizing why I didn’t drop my beer money on theatre tickets.

Eh.

That about sums it up for me. Unlike Robin Hood, which was over-characterized by a voluptuous midsection compacted by two far-too-short bookends, Prince of Persia moves along rapidly with hardly any character development. Now I’m all for summer blockbusters, but at some point you’ve got to stop and think ‘well, yeah, he’s a prince and all, a street kid made royalty, and there’s a sexy babe opposite him…..but why the fuck do I care?’ OH NO THE DAGGER OF TIME IS A MYSTICAL WEAPON!!! BEN KINGSLEY IS ACTUALLY A BAD GUY!!! HOLY FUCKING JESUS AND MILK-DRENCHED KITTENS, IT’S ARMAGEDDON.

I think somewhere in there I spoiled the movie for you. But no worries, there’s a neat time-shifting plot twist at the end.

Wait, now I just ruined it for you. SURPRISE, A MOVIE ABOUT THE DAGGER OF TIME HAS A PLOT TWIST INVOLVING TIME. FUCKING CHEESE-COATED CHRISTMAS CRACKERS IN JULY, BATMAN.

In case that didn’t do it for you, I took time out of my busy fucking life to explain some things via my incredible Photoshop skills. And no, I haven’t upgraded to CS5 yet, I’m too lazy.

I entirely blame Walt Disney on this one. For such a fantastic franchise to be treated like the next Pirates of the Horrible Sequels is rather insulting. I’ve not been a huge player of the video games, given that jumping puzzles make me want to feed my testicles to the toaster, but I recognize the cultural merit of the source material to know that this film does it no justice. Yeah, you can add long shots of the butt-humping Jake Gyllenhaal or toss in some boobs mixed with over-tanned Megan Fox wannabes all you want, Mr. Bruckheimer, but a good finished product that does not make.

I did have a good time, however. It’s undeniable that this much money buys entertainment, because I had the unholy sperm entertained right out of me and juxtaposed on a portrait of some random entertainer doing entertaining things during a night of entertainment. It does not, though, excuse piss-poor special effects overcoated with grainy digital sand and some nifty coloring edits. Hell, it was more obvious than the second Matrix and Episode One combined. It literally made me bleed badgers out of my navel cavity.

I fault the scriptwriters.

First, what is so bad about Princess Farah? Tamina sounds like a street hooker from Calcutta, not a Persian princess who serves as a keeper for magic. Name changes amuse no one, especially not source material fans who composite most of the targeted audience. Second, pithy sexual asides make no one LOL, not even the prepubescent crowd. Third, for such rich characters and settings, there sure is a lot of cliched assumptions going on (“I’M THE RANDOM STRANGER WHO STARTS AS YOUR ENEMY BUT BECOMES YOUR SAVIOR. BUTTERMILK PANCAKES IN BACON OMELETTES WITH PEPPERCORN DICK BAGS, NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE”). It’s like Disney reached into the Generic Grab Sack of Genericism and withdrew nine parts horrible shit and diluted one part originality. Guess what? THE RESULT STINKS OF LONG-DEAD MONKEYS DROWNED IN PISS ACID.

I rage because otherwise I couldn’t write this. It fucking kills me, literally kills me, to see videogame franchise after videogame franchise ruined by overzealous writers and producers looking to take established names and place them on entirely-unrelated material. For fuck’s sake, IT DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE YOU CUNT-PUNTING LIZARDS FROM PLUTO.

Conclusion: Vagina graffiti

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