Teeth makes me value my dong more than normal

by Ben

To actually sit down and write a review of this film is somewhat of a complicated task without coming across as overly crass. Thus, I’ll go ahead and get the obvious details out of the way to begin with: Teeth is a film about a girl with teeth in her vag. The tagline “every rose has its thorns” couldn’t be more applicable here, since there is more than enough toothy goodness for even the most masochistic horror film fanatics. Of course, if you have a particular disdain for viewing hacked-off man cocks spouting blood, Teeth might not be something you should go out and see.

For any writer, director, or producer to sit down with the concept of vagina dentata (Google that shit if you think it’s something I invented) and actually believe it would make a good moving picture must say a good deal about their sanity. Besides a handful of Gary Busey DVD “premier” (LOL) horror flicks, I’ve not seen something so horribly original in my entire career as a film patron. Even better, Teeth isn’t presented as a traditional horror genre piece; instead, it’s approached as an art picture with tension. Naturally, the tension here is waiting for the next moron to get his dick bitten off. Still, kudos to Mitchell Lichtenstein for not taking the trite and boring path and making Teeth into a wretched piece of trash.

In fact, Jess Weixler’s performance as the aforementioned man-sausage-murderer is nothing short of indie picture glory. While I’m not overly fond of the genre, I’ve rarely-if ever- seen an actress or actor take a mundane role and transform it into something actually worth watching. Unfortunately, John Hensley is still as ugly as he was in Nip/Tuck, which means I’d rather watch Hostel 2 without laughing than take him seriously as a legitimate actor (admit it: you’re as bewildered as I am why Hensley’s parents didn’t recycle him at birth when they saw how hideous he was). Weixler stands out among a handful of other actors who do nothing to elevate the thespian facet of Teeth beyond a resounding “bleh.”

In reality, the only problem holding Teeth back from cult status is its inability to decide what it wants to be. Is it an art/indie picture? Is it a horror flick? Is it a black comedy? I have no idea, since at various times it attempts to conbobulate all of these elements into a cohesive flow -which obviously fails miserably. If the film had been strictly horror or a pure black comedy, I could imagine it being overwhelmingly popular with either audience. As it is, I’m utterly confused on how I should react. It being a movie about a girl with teeth in her vag, however, naturally I LOLed my ass off the first time a guy got his sex plunger torn off. And for any conservative film-watchers reading this: relax, it’s hardly obtuse in its graphicness. Sure, there are a couple prosthetic dick heads covered in colored corn syrup and a few immensely-painful-to-watch sequences of male genital agony, but on the whole (LOL) Teeth isn’t over-the-top in its profanity. In fact, a bit more blood and dismemberment (see what I did thar?) probably would have been for the better.

I am disappointed in a way with how Teeth panned out, since it is about a toothed vagina and all. Let’s be entirely honest with ourselves: it’s a novel idea. I’m sure there are a hundred different manners in which to approach content such as that, but the genre blending of black comedy, horror, and indie picture are ultimately the film’s undoing. I can’t really recommend watching Teeth unless, like me, you are morbidly curious. Otherwise, save your ninety minutes and watch something else.

Conclusion: One severed skin flute that was hilariously gnawed off (out of three)

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