There’s no denying that MMOs are the flypaper of video games. Just like that time I glued mouse traps to my ass cheeks and took a dive into a ball pit except the balls were actually my own testicles and the pit was a glass of orange juice, MMOs attract everything from omega nerds to loin-dry soccer moms in search of a good dicking. Even worse are the F2P variety, because those are like Ritalin for kids on summer break who have parents less qualified than Clarence Thomas is with matters of race.
Coincidentally, every summer I seem to gravitate towards time-wasting endeavors with the voracity of a Gaza child with his legs blown off trying to crawl around in the jelly that used to be his mom with a confused look on his face as if saying “if we actually wanted to stop this conflict my mother wouldn’t be sidewalk paste.” I really don’t know what it is. I graduated university four years ago so it’s not like I’m on the eternal timetable of a student, and yet my aversion to sunlight and heat appears to generate a lust for fetch quests and writing slash fic with my female elf ranger and an orc warrior with a cock like a fallen redwood.
1. Star Trek Online
Star Trek is less exciting than tying a rubber band around your nuts and dipping them into a velociraptor’s anus. The sets remind me of the ones I used to draw on construction paper with melted crayons when I was five and the special effects look like they were animated in MS Paint. J.J. Abrams rescued the franchise from the depths, where it languished in obscure fandoms while Star Wars nerds flaunted their George Lucas pajamas and fucked each other in the butt with lightsaber replicas while pretending to be nerf herders. None of that really matters any longer because Star Trek is, like, totally cool again because Alice Eve has a nice bra and all that controversial bullshit.
Anyway, Star Trek Online is one of the finest MMOs I’ve ever played. Of course my experience to MMOs is limited to masturbating to blown-up pics of TradeChat’s boobs while shouting the lyrics to “The Howling” and wiping boogers on my fapsock, but hey at least I’ve played 1900 hours of TF2. That qualifies me for opinions related to everything vidya associated, up to and including the statement that Star Citizen is overhyped will probably suck about as much as Freelancer did without mods. (Daikatana reference.)
But seriously. STO is the best embodiment of adventure I’ve seen in an MMO to date, with the exception of one game I’ll detail later on. Combat is naturally a huge component of the game because it’s 2014 and gamers can’t deal with any title that doesn’t involve blowing shit up in space, but it’s the implementation of exploration which really sets this one apart. I should make a remark here that I’ve by no means leveled a character yet and I’m only a Captain, but my hours thus far have been spent about 60% in combat and 40% doing other things, from solving simple-to-mild puzzles, traveling through time, to scanning things to uncover mysteries of the galaxy. I’ve actually only come across a couple fetch quests or typical “go to x, kill y of z, collect reward” which in itself is worthy of comment. After my first twenty hours of play when I first noticed this I was overjoyed and vowed to play STO for the rest of my life, or until they stop hocking P2W shit in my face and fold as a company.
Combat itself is split between the vastly more interesting space and basic -although by no means awful- TPS which is the ground/space station segments. Space combat is fun at first, but once you get a ship with more weapon slots and a some leveled gear it makes the entire experience a dynamic pleasure. From positioning, speed, energy consumption, and balancing shield dispersion to deciding which order to fire phasers or torpedoes, STO has something to offer for tacticians or pimply 12-year olds who are just beginning to notice how weird it is not to be circumcised while undressing for gym class. Ground combat, as I said, is basic and pretty easy but not bad by any stretch. There’s not much else to say about it really. It’s better than mere filler for the space elements, but by itself it would have drowned the game in 0/10 ratings.
It’s free, so there’s really no reason not to give it a shot unless you’re too busy penning angry letters to Blizzard about Project Titan or tweeting to WowAcai about not making videos any longer. Or just generally being a piece of shit.
Conclusion: Make like bowel and move…your mouse and fucking do it. 4.0/5.0
Yeah I didn’t play this one very long because a quest was broken so I relogged and it spawned me like a mile away from my objective and I didn’t feel like sprinting through spiders just to root around for some corpses to asspillage. Stupid design decisions like that make me wonder where the bulk of the $70 million budget really went. I’m guessing it was spent by the executives on trips to Thailand to get pegged by women with floppy dicks from all the estrogen injections and whose chest cushions are more firm than overfilled basketballs.
Case in point: crouch is bound to C.
ARE YOU FUCKING SIMPLE?!
There is no reason, EVER, that crouch should be bound to C. Ever. This shouldn’t even need to be a thing QA testers make a memo about. This shouldn’t even have been a thing thought of by the fucking intern whose job it was to lay out the key bindings in the basic documents based on the lead designer’s hand-farted messages. “Oh but Ben, the quick menu is bound to CTRL. It had to be C!” FUCK YOU, SALTED DICK LIPS. Quick menu is useless. It could be bound to CAPS for fuck’s sake, or the numpad 0, because that’s how fucking useful it is. Kind of like that time I tried to use a tweezers to twist off one of my nipples because I didn’t enjoy how it looked and I thought instead I’d install a beer tap.
The rest of my time with the game was bitching about how terrible the Glyph platform is. Defiance was finally fixed on Steam two days ago. It was about 15 gigs, which is no problem on my internet connection. Then I had to install Glyph, even though I already had it because of Rift, which then had to patch itself, then download another 700mb patch for the game, which then took LITERALLY OVER TWENTY MINUTES to install. It’s like they’ve given up entirely on the game and just thought “screw it, we’re making enough profit from ad deals on the TV show, the game will just take care of itself.”
Everything else was fun though. I went with the survivalist/sniper build because duh. I was highly disappointed by the lack of beard options for the human male, because my character* in STO has a beard worthy of Auguste Rodin. The TPS mechanics are good enough, even though with blur enabled it looks like I’m swimming in a lake of jism produced by the population of Sony’s E3 2014 presentation. Oh boy, I bet No Man’s Sky is going to be just fucking spectacular.
Conclusion: Stupid design choices made me rage before I got into it. 1.0/5.0
*You are literally a fucking beta neckbearded** retard if you refer to “characters” as “toons.” It’s not a fucking toon, it’s a fucking character. PC works fine, if you’re into that sort of thing.
**For women, your neckbeard is on your inner thighs and lower stomach.
3. Guild Wars 2
I’ve never encountered a game which rewards exploration more than GW2, unless you’re playing Tomb Raider with a nude mod and you’re trying to find just the right angle to see into her pixelated uterus. Everything about the game is fashioned from the basic premise of moving from place-to-place in search of new things to see and do. While it’s less successful than it intends to be, it’s still mightily above most of the competition, including that one game with orcs who have cocks like redwoods. Unfortunately, it’s this drive to expand which kind of killed GW2 for me in the end, even though there’s no sub fee so it’s not like I can’t just fire it up again whenever I feel like it. Because sub fees are for pedophiles.
From the start it’s clear GW2 isn’t a normal MMO. There are no side quests. And I mean none. The main storyline is fairly gripping although the spaces between level-ups is irritating. In any case, leveling consists of exploration, gathering resources for one of the several professions, and participating in world events. The events can be anything from escorting a caravan to picking apples or stopping
rapists bandits from poisoning the town’s well. They pop up relatively randomly on the map and every player in the vicinity flocks around the objective and spams it to completion. It’s all cooperative, and that’s better than the time I realized I didn’t have to take shit from women for being who I want to be.
Each zone has a number of reasons to explore and get a nice completion bonus gift. Some are exceptionally difficult to acquire while others are simply walking around trying not to get ganked by some fucking rock beast while dodging the absurdly-high respawn rate of enemies you’ve already molested into nonexistence. And I really can’t emphasize that part enough (the respawn rate, not the molestation bit): enemies spawn way, way too fast. I would run into a cave, killing every little bitch in my way to mine some ore and by the time I was done, the last enemy I’d killed before the ore was already alive. And it’s not the mine rate, that takes like two seconds. It’s worse because XP for kills is low so there’s not a ton of benefit to grinding.
Which leads to my next point: by studiously doing everything they could to avoid grinding, the devs of GW2 turned it into a huge grindfest. I persistently felt as if I was underleveled for everything. Beyond exploration the bulk of my time was just frolicking around like a spastic jackrabbit on speed waiting for world events to pop up. And then I’d come across world events which would absolutely pile drive my rectum into the ninth gate of Hell. The difficulty gap between escorting a caravan and battling some plague lords or what-the-fuck-ever is monstrous. And because they’re so hard, no one’s ever doing them. So they never get done, which means they’re always sitting there, cutting off access to that little area. And by the way, it’s not like I didn’t get 100% completion in each zone. I found every little piece of shit in the zones and was still underleveled. Which meant I had to grind events.
By completely avoiding fetch and WoW quests, GW2 turned into the biggest grinding MMO I’ve ever seen. Perhaps if the XP gain from killing the fast-spawning enemies was larger it wouldn’t feel so bad, but it drove me batshit insane. And I mean more insane than I legitimately already am. Which is saying a lot.
It’s not all bad, obviously, just like having sex in a bar’s bathroom with a woman who sports an untamed bush and smelly asshole and insists on doing it from behind so you have to take in all the pooey goodness of her last few meals. The exploration is top-notch, the dialogue and voice acting are simply beautiful, and the story quests are varied and interesting. Environments are magnificent, and to be honest I’ve rarely seen better in any game, MMO or not. Particularly Divinity’s Reach. That shit will make your jaw droop. Also underwater combat is excellent and unique, although again, I always felt underleved and/or underpowered so that I consistently got pounded in the metaphorical ass by a crab or small fish. Also I have a terrible computer with a GPU which would have been outdated six years ago and it still ran silky smooth on my LCD’s native resolution. I’m not going to tell you what that resolution is because I’m ashamed, but at least it’s above 1024×768. Barely.
And yeah, the no-sub thing is great. Kind of like that time I smoked some rotting weed and masturbated while fingering my butthole and watching bisexual porn. Except unlike that, it’s actually great. The crafting system is fun, although some of the professions are way, way more difficult than others. At least you can switch between them at will without losing progress.
Conclusion: Kudos for making something outside the box, but instead of finding a middle ground, it went too far man. 3.5/5.0
And thus concludes with Rift, which is so close to nailing neutral ground between WoW-type and GW2, kind of like divorce court between two bitter parents more concerned with splitting visitation time than caring what the kid wants. It’s got the fetch and kill x shit, but also the world events of GW2. The world events are too short and play more like a late addition in the design of the game, but it’s still nice. There are occasional massive zone-wide events called invasions which last for half an hour or so and involve pretty much everyone in the zone as there are so many enemies they block virtually all the quests, but they’re still a bit less refined than GW2‘s effort.
Rift is basically what I wanted out of GW2. It’s so close to the perfect mesh, like that time I figured I’d go bald but didn’t consider my outdated razor doesn’t configure well with the elbow skin that is one’s ballsac and taint. Or like making sour lemonade but you pour too much vodka in and screw everything up so you toss the jug against the wall and accidentally kill your dog with the shattering debris. Except replace “dog” with “infant.”
My main is a necro, which I picked thinking I’d make like Diablo 2 and summon an army of undead to
suck my dick aggro enemies for me. Well as far as I’ve seen there’s only one pet, so it’s basically just death magic with some fire thrown in because pouring all your soul points into one tree is too complex so the game forces you to split things up even though you don’t god damn want to. The skill system is flexible though, so you can basically be whatever you want. Or whatever your hardcore RP guild wants you to be so the scribe can write a badass novel which will sell approximately as many copies that story I penned involving the geometry of Katy Perry’s vagina and my flesh palace post digger. But yeah, leveling and completely fucking up playing around with your skill tree is great fun.
The story….well…..I don’t even. I read all the quests like some megalomaniac autist and yet I still have no idea what the hell is going on in the world. I think it’s called Telaria, but I don’t really know because processing this caliber of data dump is far beyond my cerebral output. The graphics are great and run great and look great and everything else is just great.
It’s definitely grindy though. There’s no denying that. And yet it’s still a more satisfying adventure than GW2, which I guess makes a fairly huge statement about what needs to be in MMOs and what doesn’t. Kind of like the things which spew from SO’s mouths.
Conclusion: Make like a fetus and head out…to the official site and download it because it’s fucking free. 4.5/5.0